Blog Post: The Game of Two Halves

“Just man up and deal with it”, that's what they all say? 

The day I experienced my first seizure. So many emotions came crashing down. Fear, anger, sadness I didn't know what to do with myself. In the ambulance, palms sweating, hands shaking ferociously. Who am I? Why me? Having a seizure took the life and soul out of me. It felt like I had gone 12 rounds with Anthony Joshua.

Hearing I got diagnosed with epilepsy was really the knockout blow for me. It sent me down this endless spiral of depressive episodes. I lost myself. I felt like I had no purpose on this earth. I thought I was being dramatic and really tried to snap out of it but that wasn't the case it only made it worse. Being in hospital, awaiting surgery I found it really hard. This was such a new experience. I just wanted to be home. After completing my surgery and coming home I thought this would be where my low mood would finish but oh how I was wrong.

Laying in my bed trying to sleep away all the pain - but all those feelings made me feel paralyzed. I just couldn't find the strength to get up. The more I tried the harder it felt. Every seizure knocked me back one step further. All I wanted was to feel normal. There was a lot on my mind but I never shared it, each thought making a poisonous cocktail in my head.

This cycle kept wearing me down. I felt hopeless. I didn’t know what to do until one day I came across this motivational video which made something in me just click. I stopped seeing my condition as something stopping me from being normal or achieving something. I just needed to change my mindset from ‘I can’t’ to ‘how’. I had to flip the switch! 

I felt the heavy weight start to lift, I found the strength to do something and confront these emotions that I had been holding on to. I decided to share my feelings with my family and seek help from others

I wanted to speak to someone who could understand what I was going through. I was fortunate to be put in contact with a specialist case worker at Young Epilepsy called Alex Gwilt-Cox. He was brilliant, always available to answer my questions and helped me understand my condition. He also offered me emotional support and was able to find out what help was available and connected me with people in a similar position.

Alex put me in contact with Leon Legge, a professional footballer who has epilepsy. I was able to hear his story and how he dealt with his epilepsy. This was very helpful as I play football myself and it gave me a lot of reassurance. It also motivated me to work hard and prove to myself that I could still play football if I managed myself correctly. Positivity, like a lost soul, appeared. I had to keep working on how I could boost myself. I had regular sessions with an amazing therapist called Carol. We dived deep into the soul of my emotions. At first I found this difficult, as sometimes I did feel vulnerable being open. I knew doing this would help me excel and get the best out of these sessions. With Carol’s expertise we came up with various tools and methods I could use. I didn't realise how valuable her sessions were until I started to use the methods learnt outside the session. Sometimes they didn’t always work but I stuck at it and found the coping strategies which best worked for me. 

Continuing my journey with mental health and improving my mindset, I invested in some amazing books. Good Vibes, Good Life  by Vex King who is a major voice in personal development and spiritual wisdom. His book made me learn to be kind to myself and love me for me. I also purchased another amazing book by Brené Brown, The Gifts of Imperfection. This book showed me that owning my story and practising self-love is one of the bravest things we can do. 

“Just man up and deal with it”, that's what they all say, right? But really the strongest and bravest thing we can do is speak out and seek help from others. You are never alone. Life is a journey of ups and downs. And if you’ve gone or are going through similar experiences, just know that although the tunnel may seem dark and never ending, there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

If you ever need support, contact Young Epilepsy, your future self will thank you for it!